It’s me. I’m sad, very sad. Sad for you, sad without you, sad from wanting you, sad from missing you, sad from wanting to know where you are, sad from losing my best fucking friend.
I can tell coming home was the right decision. Seeing Claudia, Victoria and your mom have been so splendid. All of them really get me by and I don’t know how because time without you is the worst time. But they made me feel a little at “home” for the first time in a long time so I know this is right. But I am stuck. I’ve been stuck for 7 months. 7 months since you left me. I just don’t understand I don’t know that I can ever understand I really need help I don’t know what is happening I literally feel like each second that goes on I just keep losing it and losing it. I want to be unstuck. Why can’t you help me?
I know I need to move on and “get” over you and go on and find my purpose in life but I can’t I don’t want to leave YOU behind. I can’t do it. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t’ even know how to get out of this even if I wanted to.
Today I woke up and saw your mom, things were good. I went and saw my therapist and came home to your mom and Becca. Becca and I have met before but today we really hit it off, I like her. Lots. She’s apart of you, therefore apart of me. I’ve not been sad without you in your house yet. I’ve always gone into it not expecting you. But today, I expected you on my way home from the therapist. I went into your room. You were nowhere to be found. You were nowhere. I could barely smell you. Why are you fading away? I don’t want you to. I want you right here. Forever. I was searching for you so hard today. We began cleaning out your bathroom and something just wasn’t right. I felt sick to my stomach about something today and I knew it was because of you but I didn’t know why. Your mom and Becca thinks it’s because I am not eating but they’re wrong so… why was I sick today? You weren’t there. I really expected you. I kept leaving your bathroom while your mom and Becca were in there and wandering around your room and opening drawers and smelling things and looking at things, touching your things and obsessing. I was searching for you so hard. I was looking for you. You were not there. For the first time, you were not there. Nowhere. NOWHERE. I didn’t want to cry in front of everyone so I laid facedown on your bed for like 5 mins and cried as quickly as I could so they wouldn’t notice. My tears didn’t bring you back. Nothing brings you back. Why CANT it. I miss you and I love you so badly. It’s been over 7 months and today you were not there. I felt it. I knew it.
I’m present everywhere in your room, that makes me happy. Almost every drawer I open I find things that are mine. It makes me happy to see me spread out all over your turf. I don’t know why, it just makes me happy.
Today, I realized you’re not coming back, it’s been 7 months, it’s never going to happen, ever. Not until I die. I have to die to see you… and will I see you? Who knows? Do you know? Do you know I am writing this? Where are you? Do you know I am depressed? Can you see me crying? Where are you Why did you? Why? How? This is not real.
I’m stuck and I want to be unstuck. I want to be happy. But I don’t want to leave you behind.
I love you so much, I really do.