So today has been really rough, idk why 10 months was like so so shitty but it was. All day, it has been gut renching. This morning, when I visited you I saw a line of like 50 cars and it was family & friends burrying their loved one. It just made me so sad. Death is so real. But I can’t seem to let you go. It happends to everyone, everyone experiences loss. I just, with you, can’t accept it. I then began to feel sad for all the people who are burried around your lake. I walked around to each grave for about 30 minutes. At a few of the graves, there were some really great quotes.

“To those I love and who love me when I am gone release me. I have so many things to see and to do. You musn’t tie yourself to me with tears. I gave you my love. You only can guess how much you gave me in happines. I thank you for the love you each have shown, but now it’s time I travel alone. So grieve awhile for me. If grieve then you must let your grieve by comforted by trust. It’s only for a time that we must part. So bless the memories within your heart. I won’t be far away. Life goes on. So, If you need me, call and I will come. Though you cannot touch or see me, I’ll be near, you’ll hear all my love around you, soft & clear. And then when you must come this way alone. I’ll greet with wiht a smile and say, Welcome Home.” 

As I read this tears rolled down my face for minutes. I could not leave this person’s grave, I looked like a creep. But as I read this in my head I heard you reading it to me. You want me to let you get go and move on… ha here I am crying even as I write this.

Here’s another, “Now and then a millenium a star is born that brigthens the horizon, blazes as it propels engergy and fades into another level of the constellation.” 

):

“We sang about tomorrow and tomorrow never came. Oh my friends, don’t ask me what our sacrifise was for. Emplty chairs at empty tables where my friends will sing no more. There’s a grief that can’t be spoken. There’s a pain that goes on and on. Now our brother is dead and gone.”

That was so deep. It really hit me. Sometimes I become selfish in my greif with you that nobody understands this pain, this whole that cannot be filled, this missing part of me, this constant missing and longing for you, this wishing so many things could have been different, this constant always wanting you and loving you and wondering about you and wanting to be with you forever and forget about everything else or just make this all a nightmare. But my grief, is not special. Everyone experiences this. I just wish you didn’t have to go. I wish you were not dead and were not gone. I wish we were together. Laughing and being absolute IDIOTS like always, together. 

“As love endures and lives in your heart; you and your loved one with never be apart.”

“In life we loved you dearly, in death we love you still, in our hearts you hold a place no one can fill.”

“To the world she was one person, to those that loved her she was the world.”

As I’ve wrote this Jesus Christ by Brand New came on. Our song. ): Mikie… why. All those memories. I remember specifcally one time in your car this was playing we were jamming out like always and I looked at you and you were singing. So beautiful, I thought. I wish I could sing. And the meaning behind this song is so ironic to what we talked about… death. Afterlife. God? No god? What’s afterlife? Is there one? What’s it like? Spirits? Can we talk to them? Those talks, those talks that lasted for hours. I miss. I miss everything about you. I miss yelling and screaming in the car and scaring people. I miss doing nothng together. I miss when something happened I could ALWAYS come to you. You were always my friend. You were always there for me. You helped. You told me what I didn’t want to hear. You gave me such great advice. You. You. I miss YOU. I miss you Michaela. I miss you. Oh god 

I love you!

I scream in inside me with all my might! I LOVE YOU, I love you Michaela.

I hope it’s true, I hope this rumor is true I hope I see you again I can’t wait for that. I want to see you again. I want to be with you again. I want to hug you again and talk to you again and everything again.

i love you